I have said for some time now that a peace which was never made cannot truly be kept. Many people are speaking these days about peacemaking and how very different it is from peacekeeping. And this statement was a part of that journey that was missing perspective for me.

“I was taught that keeping quiet kept the peace… until I realized whose peace is it keeping. Oh, right. The offender's at peace, the people who don't want to deal with it at peace, and I in this little body am holding all of the war. So, l don't want to hold it anymore.”

It recently came to my knowledge and understanding that someone I trusted and whose perspective I valued determined me to be too unhealthy to do what I am doing because of my physical size. It’s so easy to look at someone and know whether they are healthy or not, right? To know what they should do to “appear” as they should if they were really “healthy.”

I could go on all day about the wall that exists when we prioritize perception over reality. Sigh.

The reality is that I spent almost 32 years having to be able to hold a war that wasn’t mine just to survive. I contained that war for far longer than I ever should have because I didn’t know any better. And my body holds the scars of that.

On top of the war I contained, the genetics I was born with held the fallout of wars from generations gone by. Strong people in my lineage have worked to hold the entirety of wars in their time in order to keep peace and stay alive. Individuals did the work of armies in order to empower me to greater possibility and health. So many before me only had the chance to survive… Now, my body has evidenced that struggle to simply exist, and it is benefitting from the healing that has occurred and that will continue.

I grew up believing I was only worthy if… that there was nothing good about me unless… and my body knows all about the impact of the lies it internalized in order to get me to this place in ways that I am still discovering.

Today, I’m documenting for myself and those who may need to know it around me that I will not contain the war at my own expense any longer. I start hard conversations. I lean into the fray. I do my own work, and I will be accountable for the spaces and ways in which I fail.

AND… I will not apologize if that doesn’t look right to people who aren’t close enough to me to know reality.

If you would like to live in the perception that you are perfect, avoid me in 2025. Because none of us are, and I’m not pretending anything to keep peace anymore.

I’m making peace with myself, with my immediate surroundings, with the world in which I exist. And I am living the life for which I have long fought. It’s a battle which has made and revealed peace internally which I never dreamed possible. And it is a continuing work that will likely have ongoing benefits.

Whether any of them are ever evidenced by the size of my body or not, I will do good. I will be kind. I will live love out loud. And I will not be shamed into silence by those who would be more comfortable if I existed as they would have me.

As the year resets, the world around me freezes, and I prepare for what is to come… I’m more ready than ever, and also thankful to keep finding areas within me that I can work on. I’m not done until I’m dead. And I’m not dead yet.

In this last week of the year, I’m counting lessons. They’re not all pleasant, but I’ve learned so much, and I for that I am thankful.

Look for peace, friends. Real, true, authentic peace. And if you’re seeing it in everyone around you but not within you… consider different. Consider new. Consider change. It’s happening anyway, so choose what’s next.

I love you!