three purple hearts

  When you would like to know why I no longer trust the Church of the Nazarene USA/Canada , when you wonder why my children are not allowed to be overseen by almost anyone just because the church was deemed “safe,” if anyone would like to know why I will not stop and will not be quiet when people like Keven Wentworth on the North/East Texas District Church of the Nazarene and Eddie Estep on the Kansas City District Church of the Nazarene tell me to be. How long will we hide these things by maneuvering people like Jim Bond into places like the Oklahoma District Church of the Nazarene? How long will Michael Thompson guide the pastors to allow and enable harms to be done to protect the establishment of what is no longer a church. I hope the denomination pays for the advice that has been distributed on their behalf. I pray that they finally learn the true cost of being more concerned about liability than humanity. You are not the church if you sacrifice children for dollars. You are ...

Oh, today. You were welcomed early after a short night. You began with a slow burn and ended with embers of a life mid-unmaking. Today, we made plans for how to proceed with the intentional religious instruction of our family as we search for a community in which we can be safe and really be present moving forward. Today, we made a mess decorating for Christmas because the twinkling pinpoints of hope are desperately needed right now. Today, we both relaxed and leaned into the discomfort of the changes that have come and are still happening. I cried in the wee dark hours of the morning, grieving the losses of so many friends. I celebrated the courage of a friend I haven’t known long. I ate the most delicious cookies and was thankful for the kind care of a new friend. And I laughed over the most ridiculous things with the oldest and dearest friend of my adult life. If the day you had was one that also contained mountains and valleys… I see you. If you’re ending the night unsure of what t...

  On a day that had been hard anyway, headed into an appointment I was dreading, after a meeting I regret... an older woman spoke up to tell me she loved my shirt. It took me a moment to catch what she meant, and by the time I looked up she was almost past. Almost... but not quite. As my eyes found hers, she smiled. I said a quiet thank you and kept going. It's hard to know who is safe anymore. Many are debating wearing things that identify them as such, while others are frustrated at the performative nature of things like that. When safety is not felt, it cannot be forced. I get that. For me, the clothes I have taken to wearing over the last several years have become a beacon. People notice the messages. They share their stories. Strangers and I laugh and cry and then walk away from each other, never to speak again. It's not performative. It's because people matter. Choosing health matters. Empowering us all and each to do better matters. Allowing people to really show up ...

This landed in my awareness at just the right time in the wee hours of this morning when I was resting fitfully. I am now praying this liturgy repeatedly this morning. “At times my urge is to foster a false harmony through silence or by pretending to agree, diluting my beliefs to ease this tension that broods over us.” So many with whom I am journeying now are struggling with the outcome of the election. Trauma responses are high, felt safety is non-existent, and it is so difficult to reconcile the world in which we now exist with continued life or possibility or hope… At the same time, there are so many around me who believe the outcome that occurred is best. Those with whom I have been close, whom I have sat with and held space for and have deeply done life together… many voted for what they believe to be economic policies that will better their lives financially. Many voted for the party that has always been the “right” choice. Many voted for the only option they believed they had. ...

It's early here... 4:30am is not a time I would normally choose to witness. A combination of health issues and their treatments leading to extreme anxiety and insomnia, the news, and projects that I want to complete to show my love and support for people who will likely be equally reeling as today dawns... I'm finally understanding more clearly how we are ending up here. In all the heres in my life, there is much in common. Abuse is dismissed as inevitable and incurable. Children are taught unquestioning compliance as a spiritual discipline. Shame is weaponized to assert control. And liability... economy... money... dollars... are spoken of as the most important marker of success. Both within the church and beyond into the political arena, from dear people who don't live as if the words they speak are true as well as from those who very clearly exhibit the exact things they say, this is an echoing refrain. This won't be the baseline for normal my children grow up with. ...

38 is all but over. In a little less than half an hour, the calendar will turn and I will walk on into being 39. This day of transition often leads to much contemplation. Some years the self assessments have landed far more critically than others. Today, though, I have found myself noticing with gratitude that even though my system is still incredibly uncomfortable when things are going well, I can see that the baseline has shifted, and that life has leveled out significantly. Someone thanked me today for living into my call, even as they recognized how difficult it has been to do so. As I look toward the next year of life, I am just so incredibly thankful to have the affirmation that choosing health is making a difference... not only in me, but in my family, in my work, in my whole life... and beyond all of that into those lives to which I have been gifted access. This past year has been one of really learning in which healthy systems I would continue to engage, and where it was time ...