The last few weeks have been filled with a surreal mix of past, present and future. Sunday felt like a kind of jumble of it all, and gave me much to consider as life marches on. Spending the early morning in ministry, the middle of the day in community, and the evening hours considering whether the two will ever meet again… I was keenly aware of just how many times I noticed where I was, the people I was with, and the feelings I had swirling around because of it all.

Grief sometimes sneaks up quietly. This time of year when changing to a new season happens at a time that has become a celebration of both life and death, when the darkness of loss meets the beauty of life and a fresh start… it’s never the simplest of seasons. Not fall or Thanksgiving. Not winter or Christmas. And with each passing year, the dramatic differences seem to be equally hope-full and sorrow-full.

Some days, the dance of life is slower. At times, the steps feel to mostly move me backward. This year, the losses weigh a bit more and my whole system is ready for a holiday to just stop life for a bit.

I came across the song below as I was processing things this last week. As I have moved into the heaviness of this week, I have been listening on repeat and so thankful that I am learning to keep dancing even when everything in me would rather not. In continuing, in moving forward, in choosing growth and healing even when the systems around me would say that I am moving backwards… there is an increasing recognition of what I always believed should be possible.

Faith remains. The words of prayer may have shifted, but the heart behind it hasn’t.

I pray that this prayer finds you wherever you are, that you are moving toward health, and that you can be kind to yourself tonight.

If that’s a struggle, if you’re needing to be reminded that you are loved and lovable just as you are right now… don’t hesitate to reach out. Because you are worthy just as you are. You are enough.

I love you.

Plowshare Prayer

by Spencer LaJoye

Dear blessed creator, dear mother, dear savior

Dear father, dear brother, dear holy other

Dear sibling, dear baby, dear patiently waiting

Dear sad & confused, dear stuck & abused

Dear end of your rope, dear worn out & broke

Dear go it alone, dear running from home

Dear righteously angry, forsaken by family

Dear jaded & quiet, dear tough & defiant

I pray that I'm heard

And I pray that this works

I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword

Against you & your heart

Against you & your word

I pray that this prayer is a plowshare of sorts

That it might break you open

It might help you grow

I pray that your body gets all that it needs

And if you don't want healing

I just pray for peace

I pray that your burden gets lighter each day

I pray the mean voice in your head goes away

I pray that you honor the grief as it comes

I pray you can feel all the life in your lungs

I pray that if you go all day being brave

That you can go home, go to bed

Feeling safe

I pray you're forgiven. I pray you forgive

I pray you set boundaries & openly live

I pray that you feel you are worth never leaving

I pray that you know I will always believe you

I pray that you're heard

And I pray that this works

Amen on behalf of the last & the least

On behalf of the anxious, depressed & unseen

Amen for the workers, the hungry, the houseless

Amen for the lonely & recently spouseless

Amen for the queers & their closeted peers

Amen for the bullied who hold in their tears

Amen for the mothers of little Black sons

Amen for the kids who grow up scared of guns

Amen for the addicts, ashamed & hungover

Amen for the calloused, the wisened, the sober

Amen for ones who want life to be over

Amen for the leaders who lose their composure

And amen for the parents who just lost their baby

Amen for chronically ill & disabled

Amen for the children down at the border

Amen for the victims of our law & order

I pray that you're heard

And I pray that this works

I pray if a prayer has been used as a sword

Against you & your heart

Against you & your word

I pray that this prayer is a plowshare of sorts