I didn’t want to write the paper. 

I don’t want to spend time proving that I have learned to parrot the harmful rhetoric that I am working so hard to undo in my own mind and to overcome in the path forward... and being graded on how well I can do it. The frustration caused by submitting to a problematic process which has repeatedly done damage in my life has brought up some significant anxiety this past week. It made me feel unsafe in current relationships that have proven to be relatively stable. And it brought up old tapes that have been effectively silenced for some time now.

I didn’t want to write the paper. 

It gets exhausting presenting chunks of myself to people who only want me to reflect themselves back to them. My writing means something to me and I hate intentionally setting it in front of people who could not possibly want to read anything less than what I have to say. 

I didn’t want to write the paper. 

Because I keep being told to quote more, or don’t quote at all. To meet a word count, but don’t go beyond it. That the word count is a minimum and I shouldn’t consider my work done unless I’ve clearly surpassed it. 

I didn’t want to write the paper. 

By Sunday morning, I didn’t even want to go to church in order to avoid the potential that I would see church people… which makes me sad because I am finally learning to consistently look beyond my own pain but this week it was blinding me. 

This morning I’m headed back into the “real” world. I’ve been graded and found wanting by the church. I’m not what they want me to be. I still don’t fit in…

And today, I’m working on being thankful for that. Because I do get honest feedback and can make changes from people who know me and care about my well-being. I am held accountable to growth and health beyond compliance. I can live into what I am called to do. 

Community can be safe.

I will be healthy. 

Sometimes, it may be difficult to keep choosing that… but I can do this. 

It’s the Mondayest Tuesday today. I’m starting out tired. Grief from many sides sits heavily. The weekend can’t get here soon enough. 

I’m working on rest this week. I need to sleep. Choose something to do to take care of you today. You’re worth it. 

I love you all! 

💜💜💜