three purple hearts

Last week was one of the strangest I’ve experienced in a long time… maybe ever, if I’m honest. Conversations and meetings and all kinds of things changing but in ways that indicate a unifying of purpose and clarifying of direction. It’s been really amazing to live into health and get to see some of what that looks like in all the different roles. As a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a pastor, an employee, and a colleague… in all the ways that I bump into the world, I am able to show up as myself. Today, though, anxiety hit. I don’t know why. I was in the middle of training for one new job when I got the paperwork to complete for the acceptance of another. And the overwhelming fear that I would let both organizations down landed like a lead weight in the center of my chest. Holding onto reality and knowing that I know what I know is easier some days than others. That’s just the truth. Living from that truth is easier some days than others, but it is still true. I’m so th

I woke up with a start today. Nothing specific happened; no sound or flash caused it. It was just the weight of the week suddenly landing, I think… and a deluge of tears came with it. This morning, my family has no church home to head to. We are still working out where we will land after the sudden loss at the end of May. Since that time, we have traveled and visited, we have found community beyond the walls of the traditional church, and gone back to our COVID experience to fill this educational time of the week. It is not perfect or sustainable, but it is this season for us. For the moment, I’m just laying here in the silence of my nearly (finally) settled and cleaned house, weeping over the loss of a church that never wanted me anyway. I grieve for all who have been unwanted before me… and in a very deep way, I grieve for those who are still looking away. The abused will never belong unless the church chooses to actively stand against the abusers and make it safe for them to do so.

I'm so thankful to have had a day full of beautiful connections and the gift of seeing God work in places I was always led to believe he couldn't possibly... since they weren't "Christian." If not for the hope that healing brings, despair would set in. Pay attention, friends. Darkness sometimes hides behind blinding, artificial lights, and the trust we place in people we can't see clearly puts many at risk. Even if the "circumstance can be redeemed," real people are harmed... and it's happening too much for either the harm or the tepid responses to be excusable. I'm not sharing links because I've run across them enough today for a lifetime, and I don't want to trigger others. But news stories and court documents are available if you're interested. Pray for the people of Susanville, CA, and the children and adults worldwide who are dealing with the impacts of this man's choices.