three purple hearts

Sometimes triggers are just unavoidable. They walk into places where you are, and you have to live through your body's response to them. Even if you would rather try to avoid them, sometimes there is no way... That's when past healing is evident, and ongoing healing is able to happen. I'm so thankful that a different ending happens more and more. So many people have been part of the journey to different with me... And today, I'm grateful beyond words for a dear, pastoral presence in our lives and her care for myself and my family. Being in a place where we can be real, where trauma-informed ministry isn't a far-off wish, where love is constant and tangible... it is such a reparative space for all the parts of me that still just want to run away. Sunday is coming to a close. I don't know what this coming week will hold for you, but I pray you are gentle with yourself. I love you, friends.

The loss of a generational line is not one I was expecting to struggle with quite as much as I have. But with Sean's grandfather's death two months ago leaving only one grandparent in our family, Sean also connected tonight that Grandpa Ed's passing now left no one in that role... My kids knew the love of some awesome great-grandparents, though. That's a gift I never experienced, and I'm confident they are better for it. These men and women of tremendous strength and humility all lived love out loud until the very end. In their own ways, they each showed me what grace is and taught me how to offer it to others. They loved well, they lived well, they sacrificed much, and I am blessed to come from such a line. In days of such upheaval in my spiritual family of origin, I am so thankful to have known this gift of a family that did hard things, even when they weren't popular. May I be known as their descendant. Hug your people, friends. Love big; life is short.

I needed this last night. Trauma activation hit hard. Shame spoke loudly. But, God. My closest circles spoke back, reminding me of truth; calling out the lies in my brain’s response. They lovingly pulled me back to reality, offering space to feel in safety and coregulation until my mind and body returned to its own balance. These tapes that play in my head have been and continue to be re-recorded into messages of healthy self-love, balance, reality… and truth. I have the skills and ability to be able to find balance on my own quite often these days because I’ve learned that process. And I very much lean into the reality that community is essential to healing. I was broken in community, and I am being healed in community. This book offers a lot of insights into the practices of how I ended up where I am. Recognizing the roots of shame, not only in my life but in humanity, and digging through the layers of trauma that have occurred to be able to confront it has not been a simple journey.

There are some days when the memories I am presented with on Facebook feel like they are there to remind me that the big changes I am terrified of in my present are not so much different than things I've survived before. A not insignificant part of me would trade those pandemic days for these days when it feels like we are fighting the virus of hate and exclusion. While we didn't know if COVID was on our groceries or packages, we could wipe, sanitize, and take comfort in knowing we had done all we could. Now, though, we have to examine harder things... digging into Scripture and using reason to explore the lived experience of so many who have been hurt by the traditions the church has upheld for so long. I am so thankful to serve a God that already knows. A God who loves us despite all our failures. A God that has given us the free will to keep growing and figuring out how to love others as He does. Even though there does not seem to be a point on the horizon, we can live in ob

I can’t explain circles in a text post. It’s not complicated, but neither is it a few sentences that I could summarize and do any justice. But tonight, all my circles settled into an incredible balance that just leaves me so thankful to have done the work that has led here. Sitting around a fire as the sun set, the only thing that could have been better would be if all the people had been in one place. Just know… if you’re reading this… I probably wished you were around tonight. No matter how long it’s been, you’re always welcome, and I miss you when it’s very long. Here are the colors of the evening. Darkening blue sky with the first star. Red coals. And my favorite purple tree. I love you, friends.

  Today, I spent the day in a couple of different places, talking to a couple of different people about a couple of different things. On the heels of yesterday, when I spent the day in one place talking to one person about one thing, this was a solid improvement. That may seem like a dig at the one person, and praise for the couple of people... but this is not really the case. Both statements and the declaration of improvement from one to another are really more about the growing sense that Kansas City only offers as much of a home as I am able to find within myself... and the importance of the growing community in which I find safety. Last night was heavy, and I fell into bed exhausted and uncertain. Today was much different, and I head to bed one class closer to my masters being done and several hugs closer to heaven. I'll take today... and yesterday because it brought me here. Know that you know what you know, friends. Even if no one around you does. I love you.

Happy Easter! After so many Easters in Texas, this year was very different. We were thankful to have been able to make it back to Kansas City last night so that we could be with our local church family today. It was a good day, though. Pancakes with neighbors, and having Gram and Annette join us for church really made the day special. Then lunch with the rest of our motley crew and home for calm. Easter held more meaning in this year. Many places where hope had long seemed buried, it was renewed. But as is the norm in life, that hope is not without some new recognition of the costs. Good and bad, happy and sad; life is made up of all the things in between. Hold the tension. Find the peace. Live in love. I love you, friends!

  I’ve had an empty space above the TV since we moved in. During the Christmas season, we stuck a nativity up there… but before and since, there has just been a hole. Yesterday, I went on an adventure with my big brother. When I was a kid, that was the dream. To be included in the big kids’ stuff. These days, it’s a more mundane kind of adventuring. But sometimes, there’s still treasure to be found. This sign was that for me. In the midst of so many big things; big grief, big dreams, big changes, big adjustments; it’s easy to get overwhelmed. The scary sets in. And sometimes, I forget that good things happen, too. The hole is filled now. We’re cleaning house and paring down for sanity’s sake. But this message was needed front and center. Don’t miss other highlights… There’s hope, the expectation of good things coming. There’s always love, especially for people who don’t get enough due to things beyond their control. And there’s a tiny sign below that reminding us that we’re not alone.