It's been a little over a week since I was at the Abbey. After brunch with my cousin, I went to Wilmore, Kentucky, to visit a friend at Asbury Theological Seminary. We walked around the campus there, then crossed over to the campus of Asbury University. She took me to the chapel and told me about the revival that happened in 1970 and to the alumni space sharing with me the incredible history of the schools. We talked about many things; past, present, and future. 

Coming home was a long drive with a lot to think about. 

I contemplated the journey into the woods, remembering how often I thought I wouldn't make it, how many times my hope faltered when the statue wasn't there... Over and over, I replayed the journey, thinking of how many times I was tempted to just give up. 

In the last week, I have come to believe that I needed that journey through the woods to prepare for things I didn't even know were happening. Arriving home to a crisis was off-putting, and I just wanted to run back to the woods, back to Kentucky, back to the dream of what could be. But I quit running years ago. 

Facing what was in front of me, I spent several days putting one foot in front of the other. Determining to trust my God and myself when I wasn't sure who else was trustworthy, I further resolved to continue the work laid before me when I accepted the call to ministry. And then I found myself remembering who I am... who I have worked hard to get to know... 

Heading into meetings this past weekend was a lot like that hike through the woods. My heart was racing, I was out of breath, and most of the day, I wasn't sure I would make it... I kept pushing, though. Something inside told me that a breakthrough was coming... that Jesus was just around the next corner. Near the end of the day, two paths showed up. Neither looked terribly hopeful. 

But my gut told me I needed to try. 

It was so much different than in the woods. This kind of trying required me to trust someone... to trust that past experiences do not dictate future outcomes. And so I leaned into the uncomfortable because how can I ask others to do it if I don't myself. 

At the end of the day, I found myself back at home, sitting in a comfortable chair, wondering how the whole day had gone by without anything horrific happening. I had to will my body to stop vibrating, to release the anxious tears that hadn't been needed... to remind my physical body, my intellectual mind, my emotional heart, and my spiritual being that sometimes good things happen... and that I can survive those, too.

I'm a whole mess of a person some days. Over and over, I keep reminding myself that it's okay to not be done becoming yet. And it is... because I'm still going. Maybe I'm doing it scared, maybe I think I'm going to die on the way, maybe the path is way longer than I planned it to be. But I'm still moving; the signs keep appearing, and I believe a Savior is waiting in a clearing not far ahead.