three purple hearts

Every year at the beginning of November, I am confronted with the passing of time, the reality of aging, and the importance of living with intention. Last year, I was also confronted by the shadows that still existed inside me. In a group of people I am so blessed to now call friends, I was faced with the choice to dive in or run away. Choosing to take the leap made the difference of a lifetime.  I was up before the sun this morning to drive to work in a different town. Along the way, I read some (or had read to me, at least), I prayed a lot, I considered many things... and as I watched the sky lighten, the reality of how dark it can get just before dawn hit differently.  There have been several days in the last month when darkness made a move to take over. The voice of shame spoke so loudly that I could not seem to quiet it... and the balance I have worked so hard to attain felt somewhat tenuous. Most recently, as I approached a meeting yesterday, I was struggling to breathe....

I've been a bit blocked since getting home. For over a month, I have been working through issues surrounding shifts in the interpersonal relationships closest to my heart. The grief that comes with those changes has been complicated. I wish I could say it's getting more straightforward, and that's why I am writing again... But the reality is that I am writing with the aim of working out what it looks like to incorporate this grief into the continuation of life. I'm writing because not writing is letting the grief win. It's a complex thing to lose someone without losing them, an ambiguous loss that is difficult to assimilate. I can only pray that in time the fog will clear and hope that restoration might be possible.  In the meantime, there has been much confirmation of God's guidance since returning. I am thankful that he keeps opening doors and fostering conversations.  Today held the opportunity to attend a workshop presented by the district. While there has b...