Another Sunday has come and gone, and the final week is here.
Cindy and I went to church yesterday, then had lunch with Mitchell. I love his heart. It is just so good to be with people who are loving and living and listening to what God is calling them to do and say. And Mitchell definitely seems to be one of those people.
The afternoon and evening were spent reading and reflecting... preparing to speak at chapel tomorrow has been on my mind since I got here. This morning I sat down and put things together, I think. It's just scary. I am anxious about being in front of that many people. I am afraid I will say something wrong or that I will make a reference that is confusing here. I keep reminding myself not to speak... to let God speak through me. But I've had a lot more success with that one-on-one to fall back on. Big groups are just terrifying.
I'm constantly praying. Believing. But still struggling. Those two things seem in conflict with each other, and then shame tries to jump in and tell me that because I'm struggling, I must not really believe.
Some part of me hopes that it never gets easier. The work of loving, I mean. Loving myself, loving others, loving God. I feel like if it doesn't take effort, complacency is far more likely to set in. And I do not want that. I do not want to go back to what was comfortable. Because comfortable pain was never as soul-filling as uncomfortable progress.
On a ridiculous tangent, I am ready to get home to my scale because I think I have managed to gain weight being here. It's ludicrous with how much more active I am, but I feel bigger than ever! Maybe that's just shame, too.
Anyway. On to the rest of Monday. We have a gathering this afternoon for more conversation about shame and what it looks like for love to counter it.
Keep praying, friends!
I love you!
💜💜💜
Comments
Post a Comment