three purple hearts

Survived. I wasn’t sure there for a bit. But God knew. Waking up this morning to messages from friends who were believing and supporting me from afar. Knowing that my amazing husband was up in the middle of the night, that my mother had stayed up late… I may be on my own physically, but I have a fantastic network praying me through. And it is so appreciated. God is doing something here in Africa. I so wish that I could stay to see it, but I am also ready to be home. Tomorrow is the last full day. By evening on Thursday, I'll be on a plane back to New York.  Chapel is here if you wanted to hear it. I'm open to feedback, but maybe if it's not great feedback wait until I'm back in the States... Thanks.💋 Also, here's the prayer that I prayed at the end. Several have already asked for that, so I'm linking it here to be able to refer to it easily. I'm exhausted. School and then sleep. More tomorrow.  I love you, friends! 💜💜💜

 Chapel in the morning. Today, I've just been praying. Talking with a few students early this afternoon. Then meeting with the Christian Union group for a time of questions and conversation early evening. I'm not sure how I became the one people would ask questions to... that is just so strange.  Here are audio files of the chapel services from this last week. I noticed that one of the days on the Facebook stream had a chunk of audio that was dropped out, and wanted to make sure there were good audios available even if the video wasn't good. If you haven't listened, I can't suggest it enough. Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 I love you, friends.  💜💜💜

Another Sunday has come and gone, and the final week is here. Cindy and I went to church yesterday, then had lunch with Mitchell. I love his heart. It is just so good to be with people who are loving and living and listening to what God is calling them to do and say. And Mitchell definitely seems to be one of those people.  I also got to share some resources and WAGOs with people here. Something told me to go ahead and bring some books with me, and I think I'm finding homes for them that help me know they were not brought in vain.  The afternoon and evening were spent reading and reflecting... preparing to speak at chapel tomorrow has been on my mind since I got here. This morning I sat down and put things together, I think. It's just scary. I am anxious about being in front of that many people. I am afraid I will say something wrong or that I will make a reference that is confusing here. I keep reminding myself not to speak... to let God speak through me. But I've had a lo...

*** I started writing this yesterday and didn’t get it finished and posted before the power went out. It was dark and still all night… the kind of stillness that only comes when the power is out. The last time I was in that kind of night was in the winter storms in Texas. There, I was terrified of what lay ahead. Struggling to stay warm. Pleading with God for safety. In Africa, even the power outage wasn’t that bad. It was strange, because I noticed that when I would stir, not even the dogs were barking. It was just quiet. Anyway, it is morning now. The power has returned. So, here is Saturday’s reflection. *** Today was a completely different kind of day than I have had since being here. This morning, Cindy and I went to town to do some shopping. I was able to get some souvenirs that I hadn't gotten yet. And then we came home and had lunch, had quiet, rested, read... Just the two of us. All day. After dinner we sat and talked for awhile.  It was nice and calm and felt very much li...

I want to write, but I am not feeling like I would be able to do it justice at all. My heart is too full. So, here are some pictures of what we did today, and I will write an update over the weekend with my final Holiness Week recap. I love you, friends! 💜💜💜

Thursday was heavier than the other days this week. I have been honored by the stories that have been shared and the vulnerability with which several of the students have approached conversations this week.  After chapel this morning, I walked a bit more slowly to lunch. There is this shady drive that leads to where I'm headed that always smells so sweet. I'm not sure what the flowers are that are putting off that smell, but these red ones along that route are quite striking in the Kenyan sunshine.  ANU has so quickly felt like home that I know a piece of my heart will remain here. The people are so gracious and welcoming that I hardly feel like it's only been a week here, and I working hard to be present and not let the dread of tomorrow's endings interfere with the living of the wonderful day ahead. Tomorrow morning we will meet for the last service of Holiness Week. I fully expect that God will show even more than he has every other day. The responses after the servi...

Today felt longer than other days. It was good, don't get me wrong. Chapel this morning was amazing. Roland brought the concept of resting in God's identity of love as God himself demonstrated for us on the seventh day of creation. This is something that is possible today, as we see in Hebrews 4.  Instead of being zealous and exerting and striving diligently for things that we hope and think will secure our identity, we can work to make sure that we can enter God's rest in obedience to his call.  I would hate to look back forty years from now and realize that I walked all over the desert because I refused to believe I was good enough to enter the promised land...  After chapel we got to have lunch with some old friends for Roland and new friends for me. It is so nice to meet people who feel so familiar in a land where everything is new. Today, as I worked on a plate full of minnows that were so graciously provided for my enjoyment, this was especially appreciated. After c...

I struggled with feeling like I was in the wrong place this morning. I woke up around 6am to a message from home that Ean was struggling. He was tired and had ended up in our bed with Sean because he was scared of having bad dreams. I felt like a failure. What kind of mom am I to be clear around the world while my youngest still needs me at home? I responded to him and prayed for him, and then went back to sleep. That was the best thing I could do from here. But I didn't like the feeling. Shame winds its way into our lives in so many ways, doesn't it? Until we become conscious of its power and impact, I don't think that we are able to really recognize all of the different areas in which we are subjected to and subject others to the devastating division that comes from shame. The more aware that I become of shame's effects, the more I am able to catch it as it is sneaking in and arrest its momentum. This is such an empowering process that enables me live a life that is m...

Where on earth did Monday go?!? This morning as we prepared for the opening chapel of Holiness Week here on ANU's campus, I had some time to read and pray before heading over. And then service... Roland sharing his story with us as the setup for the rest of the week was such an incredible honor. I cannot imagine many people who would not be able to hear in his story some part of their own.  After the service, I had the privilege of praying with a young lady at the altar. We talked about shame and how the enemy likes to keep reminding us of things that we have done wrong in the past. And then we talked about how God's loving voice would not do that. We prayed over her, and it was incredible to see her spirits lift as she was finally coming to believe that the shame did not hold her captive and that there is hope beyond it. This sweet sister joined us for lunch, and we were so blessed to get to know her more and hear her story. It was not just her, though, reports are that others...

Sunday has ended here. It was a quiet day, containing only church and lunch. This morning, there was time for silent prayer and reflection before the service. The quiet here is different than at home. Beyond just not having children around me (which is strange, indeed), the noises that do occur in times of solitude seem more natural. Insect sounds, birds, dogs barking... Off in the distance, there may be talking and laughter, sometimes music from various directions. But it contributes to a reflection and communion with God that is more difficult to find in the rush of life back home. Church this morning was an incredible experience. I have had the pleasure of worshipping with international congregations before, but this was still a much different time. In the songs that I didn't understand, God's presence was very apparent. And the message... Oh, the message. While there were many parts that were impactful and well-stated, the main thing that I took was a statement the speaker ...

 And suddenly, another day was over as quickly as it began. Today was quite the experience. We began at Nairobi National Park before the sun was up, wanting to make sure that we got to see the animals before they sought shelter in the heat of the day. This turned out to be a very good decision. Click here to see the pictures! Throughout the time in the park, I had the recurring thought that it was incredible to see all of these different kinds of animals together in one place. Previously, the closest I had come to anything like this was various zoos and nature preserves in the US. There is no comparison. If you want to really get a sense of how small you are and how much more important the balance of community is... come to Kenya.  This place certainly has a way of putting things into a new perspective. I suppose that might be true anytime you travel to a place that is completely beyond your normal borders. But for me, Kenya will always be the place that expanded my horizons...

Day three begins early. After another evening of talking around the table, and then phone calls to yesterday to check in at home, we are up before the sun for safari day!  I am so overwhelmed with God’s presence here. In the deep conversations with those who have quickly become dear to my heart, I experience an indescribable increase in my understanding of who God is and how much he loves me.  Being in a place that I’ve never been before and having it feel so much like home is strange. Never in a million years would I have dreamed that I would be somewhere like this. And now I can’t imagine it will be the only time. It would break my heart to never return.  I’m off to see the wild while most of you sleep! I love you, friends! 💜💜💜

There is so much happening so quickly that my brain is struggling to pick out any one thing to focus on and write about. It is strange, and yet quite refreshing, to be in a place with like-minded people. Finding a place at a table where life and love and the confluence of the two are being discussed in healing ways is so life-giving.  Last night, there was a group of six of us sitting and eating and sharing. Around that table, there were five different countries represented, all with different stories of how they have encountered evil... and how God is at work. We sat and talked for hours, sharing life and prodding thoughts progressively heavenward. It was incredible. I didn't know most of these people before today, but in so many ways, this is family.  A year ago today, I posted on Facebook that I was preparing... I was going to a meeting to which I had been invited, but it very much felt dangerous. The contribution that I had to make was not popular or desirable. It did not ...

 Day one was really long. In reality, it was two days long... maybe three. And technically, it isn't over. I left Kansas City on Tuesday morning. Flying into New York was interesting. I've never been there, so it was exciting to see some of the things from the air that I have only seen images of. At the advice of people who have crossed more time zones than I have, I immediately set to work getting on Africa time. That was simple enough because I had slept very little the night before and was ready for some! I popped a handful of vitamins and melatonin and went to sleep.  It was about 2130 Kenya time then.  When I woke up about eight hours later, I was feeling pretty good and managed to stay awake for several hours, only taking a brief nap before heading to JFK to get on the long flight. Once on board, I decided I would wait until after dinner was served to sleep again. That mostly worked, except I couldn't get to sleep. After shifting and dozing for a few hours, they ser...

I stepped into the silence of an empty sanctuary this afternoon and closed my eyes. Something about this last few weeks has had my heart begging for a moment like this. I had been working up the courage to seek it out. Instead of waiting on me, God offered me the opportunity and invited me to come. Taking a deep breath, I stepped further in... and waited.  Facing the cross at the front... alone... with the whole world outside a closed door behind me, I waited. Coming down to the end of planning for this trip and getting to the place where it is time to close up the suitcases and get on the plane, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed in my spirit. Wondering why I am the one about to go to a different country to meet new people and talk about my journey is common right now... along with the sheer terror. But someone that I met on the road to where I am now told me that they used to ask their kids, "Why not you?" I can no longer count the number of times that I have said this...

At this time next week, I will be on the longest flight of my life so far. Preparation for this trip has been stretching, and the study and reading and learning and connecting I have done in the course of it have brought me to a new place of acceptance… of myself, of my journey, and my call. It’s not been without challenges, though… and sometimes the stretching just plain hurts.   I’ve come to believe that many people are struggling with pain that they have no hope of escaping, often stuck in the silence of shame that is put on them in order to keep the peace.  And so, there is none.  Because peace cannot be kept if it is not first made.  And the making of peace is a consuming process that few undertake for fear of isolation that they have not yet realized has taken over anyway.   I am learning that I must change my story. I’m the only one who can. While the past is already written, I must speak up instead of defaulting to silence for the future to be different....